Thursday, 5 December 2013

As Death I freed the living

Day 5 of the blog-a-day-a-thon

My brother had seemingly betrayed us, broken the bond we had with the gods and caused a kind of chaos that was all enveloping. The world of man was a different place, broken, desolate, full of weird mythical creatures and demons from the pits of the imagination. Many of the demons clearly needed some professional dentistry work done and possibly a few weeks pampering in a health spa, but it was difficult to recommend these affordable treatments to them while they incessantly tried to pummel my face into the nearest hard surface. I was given little choice but to fight, it was as if my movements were restricted to a handful of actions, and to reach some of the hard to reach places in this world I would need to learn valuable skills on my journey.

There was some blah blah blah stuff about a tree of life and ancient giants who blah blah blah for centuries, and I've got to go on some quest to move some blocks about and slay some hideous creatures and pirate ghosts across a handful of reachable dimensions or something. I just killed the bloke who was telling me all this, with my trusty scythe. He had a good set of teeth, I should have asked him who his dentist was, well never mind.

So I'm Death, one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse, and off I go on this adventure to save my brother War because he did a load of stuff in the first outing in this franchise that I now have to continue or something. It's a bit like Zelda mixed with God of War and some RPG where everyone likes to talk lots about stuff, usually their plight.
Here I am, with my Lord of the Rings ripped off glowing scythe

"Oh wo is me, my life is a big old pile of donkey farts and I need your help to get that stone giant over there to like me again after I accidentally killed his dog with my fire sneezes. All I need you to do is go deep into that creepy looking dungeon over there and have a scrap with the lava dragon king, steal his gold plated jock strap and come back here so that I can make the stone giant love me again".
"Did you get all that?"
..."Yes, I'm Death, not deaf!"

So off questing I did go, doing all the silly things requested of me by the people with the green triangles above their heads, having lots of fights with big creatures, riding around on my trusty horse that literally appeared and disappeared whenever I wanted him too (as long as I was in an area where he was selectable of course), solving the puzzles, platforming across the platformy bits and running headfirst into every corner of the land to find hidden treasures.
My axe got teeth bitch, be afraid.
Sometimes I needed to take out lots of lesser creatures in one go, and for that I needed a trusty giant axe with a face. I had tried clearing out arenas with a regular axe with great difficulty, but once I upgraded to 'axe with a face' I knew I could never go back. It cleared out arenas at least five times faster then your regular brand of axe, with the added bonus of being able to look creatures right in the eyes as it splits their skull in two. The 'axe with a face' comes in a variety of face types with a whole plethora of expressions available, including: Grimacing Goblin; Angry Spider Queen; Excitable Tree; Hungry Zombie Goat and the most popular, Mid Orgasm Troll. Please check the online store for availability.

Is that your natural maine colour?
It didn't take me long to complete the set of missions given to me by the various things I encountered in this world, and the final boss was laughably easy. It wasn't the most memorable of experiences, which is a shame, because being Death had it's upside. The franchises future is up in the air, so I may never get to be Death again. Oh well, it was fun while it lasted. No multiplayer, and the arena fighting bit was lame, so all in all, I give being Death a 5 out of 10.

I needed a change of scenery, it was time to get all contemporary and play a GTA clone for a while...

Peace and infinite love
Andy Jackson

P.S - watch and share the 'Otherwise' video please, love you xxxx
 The link to share it is -

No comments:

Post a Comment