Thursday, 17 May 2012

The History of 'How Bout That' Part 2

So friends,

Part one can be found here - you should read that first otherwise this part might not make any sense (pah!)

The plot thickens, with each strand of new information entering the head, a crop of hair begins to form, and soon we will have to try and tie that hair together to form some kind of pony tail. Until then though, there are further strands to be added.

3. The Missing Link - stolen?

One of my contacts in the C.I.B (They are one better then the CIA) sent me a google map directions list to a secret location coincidently very close to where I was staying. I didn't even need to get a bus to get to the small collection of caves. These caves were secret, because they were hidden by the side of a main road where no one ever walks, they only drive. As I approached the caves I felt a curious feeling of dread, like I was about to be hit with something or be told I had cancer. This feeling followed me into the caves, like a shadow stalker. I told it to go away, but it didn't respond, even when I threw rocks at it and screamed at it in an ancient pokemon language.

These caves held something very special, something that I was forbidden to photograph or even look at for more then a few seconds for fear that my eyes would explode (it's a legitimate fear of mine and it was what it said on the signs leading into the cave). Preserved in the cave was a family of pre human humans, the missing link between monkey men and man. I could tell it was the missing link because there was a little sign on the wall commemorating it's discovery by Sir Gandalf the Scarlet in 1783. There was also a chart of when the toilets were meant to be cleaned in the cave, and that hadn't been signed by a maintenance person for over fifteen years. It seemed like this place had been discovered, widely talked about, and then just as suddenly forgotten about. I needed to get to the bottom of this, because that was where the exit was.

Once I had scaled back down to the exit of the cave, I noticed the abandoned gift shop. There were photo's of the sign by the missing link, but no photo's of the missing link due to the legend of the curse. I read a pamphlet about the curse, but it didn't make much sense to me as it was all in French. From what I could make out, a mouse stole a gemstone from a fairy near these caves, so the fairy cursed the caves saying "no one shall photograph the missing links without being struck down by my curse until my gemstone is returned by that little mouse bar-stard". The mouse never returned the stone, and the curse remains in place to this day.

I stole a T-shirt from the gift shop and decided to go back up and have a proper look at the missing link, to hell with the curse. Once I reached the cave for the second time I noticed something moving near the sign. It was a mouse clutching a tiny gemstone in it's mouth. It dropped the gemstone at my feet and the curse was lifted. I wish I had a camera with me so I could have captured the moment, but alas I didn't.
On close inspection of the missing link family, I discovered they were all clutching tiny stone ipods. I leant in and prized one of them free, and I began to listen to the music on the pod. What I heard astonished me, not only due to the high production values and crisp sound quality for a time well before studio equipment existed. The first few tracks were all just pop music of the time, 'Ug Me Ug Me' by Bam Bam Bagooie and 'Uh Uh Uh Uh Uh Uh ooooooh' by The Stone Rollers, stuff like that. The fifth track I listened to was of great interest. It was an interview between a missing linker and something alien.

At first I had trouble making out what they were saying, as it was mainly in the grunty language of the missing linker, the alien being seemed to have clear diction, but was communicating in the language of the interviewer. The only part I clearly made out was the alien saying 'How Bout That'. Once more I had encountered it, the legend of How Bout That Records connected into the greatest conspiracy of our times, aliens gave the knowledge to the missing link who used it to make great music. The whole catalogue of hairy human music had been put out by 'How Bout That Records' well before any other record label had even been thought of. The market back during that time was mainly interstellar it would seem, most of the missing linkers did not want to listen to music as they felt it interrupted their faeces throwing contests and nail biting chess tournaments, but there was a huge market for off world sales, with the missing link three piece 'Ooh, Ooh, Ooh' being very popular with the Linguinians.

I needed to catch my breath before taking on the next mind blowing piece of information that came my way... More aliens were about to enter the picture...

Find out more in Part 3

Peace and infinite love

[adj] - Andy D Jackson

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