Wednesday, 16 May 2012

The History of 'How Bout That' ((HUGE CONSPIRACY))

So friends,

I've been doing some research into the origins of How Bout That Records, and it seems that there is a lot more going on right here then meets the eye. For one thing, it's very hard to track down information about it due to the fact that it is a massive success in THE FUTURE, not right now. I have been dipping into the future to try and retrieve information, but this proved to be much harder then I had originally anticipated. Firstly, I don't have any knowledge of time travel yet, that is something I guess I develop in the future and then send back to myself when I am ready to handle it, which obviously isn't quite yet (maybe tomorrow).

I decided on a new tact, I would research into the past and see if I could find any clues about the future, and I was SHOCKED by what I discovered.

A Huge Conspiracy bigger then JFK strapped to the back of a 20ft Lizard dressed as a Nazi robot parading around the White House giving blow jobs to passing interns during press day! OMG (Oh Mighty Gopher) I had trouble believing what I discovered. I had to check all the data several times against reliable sources that won't let me use their names for fear of being tracked down and eaten alive. These sources confirmed for me that it was all indeed true, that this information had been kept secret from the public for over 200 billion years, way before humans even existed.

1. Fossils of interest - How Bout That!

Many museums carry secret underground caves full of ancient artefacts that are not allowed to be seen by the public. The main reason for this is that if these objects of interest were seen, it would cause massive outcry of 'HOW BOUT THAT!'
One of my secret sources managed to infiltrate into a top museums secret cavern and took several photo's of objects that should not exist.

Now I have these photo's, but I can not share them with you for fear of exposing my secret contact, he has a very distinct style of photography and I would hate to accidentally expose him and force him to have to deal with the consequences. We will call him Mr. Nomis for the sake of giving him a name, that isn't his real name, oh no. Well, the first few photo's are of dinosaur abortions, proving that abortions were performed back in the Jurassic Park period of time, and it was every lady dinosaurs choice if they kept the baby or not. This was of little interest to me, it was the next object Mr. Nomis had managed to snap photo's of that truly fascinated me.

Not the actual vinyl photographed.
A vinyl record from the pre Jurassic Park period, this item could only be played on a 2 billion year old record player, and there wasn't one of them lying around for us to be able to hear the songs on it. But, we did manage to decipher the markings in the middle of the record. It said "How Bout That Records - vol. 0.0001". I was taken aback when we worked it out, how could this be? How could the record label pre-date humans? Unless - it was sent back there from the future, just as I had suspected all along. Mr Nomis told me that it had something to do with a Diplodocus named Splerrrrx. I told him to go away and he reluctantly did.

The rest of Mr Nomis's photo's were of little consequence, there was something about a video of another angle of the JFK shooting or something, but I will leave that to the other conspiracy nuts to deal with.

Mozart pulling his 'How Bout That' face.
2. Early manuscripts - the Mozart conspiracy

The early papers of Mozart were recently discovered in a box in his bedroom marked 'Do Not Touch - my special secret writings'. It took a while for scholars to open the box as it had been welded shut by years of not being opened by anyone. Eventually they got inside and were shocked to discover Mozart's old opium and cannabis stash, as well as three sets of music and a letter. The music was quickly discovered to just be early drafts of some of his major hits in D minor. The letter was the interesting part here. It was from a record label asking Mozart to hurry up and start writing the hits, and the letter was dated three hundred years B.M (Before Mozart). It had been handed to him on his 2nd Birthday and he had kept it in his secret drug box ever since. The letter was signed - How Bout That Records.

It is believed by some that a similar letter was sent to every classical musician of every period of time, even the dinosaur musicians from pre-human time. These letters are usually destroyed by the receiver for fear of exposing their link to true music. Mozart's allegiance to How Bout That Records can clearly be heard if you take any of his tunes, reverse them, slow them down to 7 beats per minute, then speed them back up to half the original tempo, then remove each fourth beat from the bar, then turn the song and a 90 degree angle and listen to it with you ears pinned open you can clearly hear Mozart screaming 'HOW BOUT THAT! HOW BOUT THAT! HOW BOUT THAT!'.

This was starting to get unnerving for me, I needed to understand how 'How Bout That Records' had managed to become such a monolith of music while only just having come into existence. What I discovered has changed me into a very rich and successful person, and I will share it all with you the next part

Stay inquisitive

[adj] - Andy D Jackson

PART 2 of the History of How Bout That will be with you shortly...

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