Friday, 19 October 2012

Snowboarding down Everest, Solving murders and Saving the world from aliens

So friends,

I've had a rather busy week, there have been very important things for me to deal with. Firstly I had to help team SSX win against their greatest rival 'Griff' (Damn you Griff!). I won't go into full details of it, but lets just say I was tasked with getting 8 of the world best pixilated snowboarders down 9 of the worlds best digitally re-imagined mountain ranges, dealing with such hazards as thin air, avalanches and snow storm white outs. It was a challenge, but I rose to it and threw myself down these mountains to get better times and more tricky points then that traitor Griff.

There's always one isn't there, one that thinks they are better then all the rest and deserves to be worshipped. Well, Griff, I toppled you from that lofty height with the help of my specially trained snowboarding ninja's known collectively as SSX (Which is so close to SEX that I wouldn't be surprised if several copies of the game were mis sold to horny teenagers thinking it was going to combine dangerous sports with nudie pokey play time). SSX came out back in February, but I couldn't afford to get it then, so I waited and got it now instead. It is a lot of fun, and the best way to snowboard without having to get frostbite and broken everybones.

I conquered the mountain ranges of the world without too much effort. I think I had them all mastered in about 8 hours total. Thankfully travel time between the mountain ranges is instant thanks to Google Earth. All hail almighty Google. It was a challenge, but my years of computer game snowboarding experience came in handy for once.

Next I was off to solve a murder case. I was eager, wanted to prove that I had what it took to advance in rank and become a proper detective. I kept having these flashbacks to the second world war, where me and my buddies were enlisting and then training. I imagine I will get more of these flashbacks as I progress through my detective career. Until then though, there was a case to solve. A body in a back alley in L.A, there was blood spatter on the metal door that I couldn't open (the door was merely scenery). I used my powers of detective deduction to look up and in a window see a reflection of the roof of the building behind me. The gun was up there, so I did a little dance for a while, walking around and around my partner who kept spouting 1950's police jive at me. Eventually I found the ladder up to the roof, after picking up and inspecting every glass bottle I could find in the area. I had hoped that the empty beer bottles would give me clues as to how to get onto the roof, but alas none of them would talk, they kept their secrets and I wasn't allowed to interrogate them or bring them back to the station for questioning. Once I had retrieved the gun from the roof, it was time to do more detectiving, so we went to the gunstore and checked the ledger there. Then we were off to catch the criminal. I won't bore you with the details of every bottle I picked up to investigate, but it's safe to say that we cracked the case and caught the perp. I think I then threw him off the top of a building, or that might have been another guy, I'm not sure. Happy days indeed.

My partner and I went on to solve several cases, before getting tired and going to bed. There would be more crimes to solve next time I'm sure, as we only solved about 4 and caused several hundreds of dollars worth of damage to local property with our insanely terrible driving skills. Again, happy days were had, but of a different, more crime solvey nature.

It wasn't long before I was on the warfronts once more, this time in an alternative dimension where an alien zombie type mutation invasion deal had taken place during the second world war (I think, I'm not to up on my alternative dimension history). This war had been going on for a while now, and this was the third outing for the resistance (Resistance 3 it's called). My family were hiding underground in a secret ninja base thing, and I was tasked with taking some old bloke to New York to blow up some big main hub dealee with him. I had to do all the shooting of the aliens and mercenary humans while he cowered away somewhere, lazy old git. The aliens came in many shapes and sizes, and they had some really sweet weaponry which I took off of their chargrilled corpses.

In between all this excitement and world saving I also managed to make some nice music with some lovely musicians, do a bit of busking, eat, drink, sleep, go and watch some amazing stand up comedy (Steve Hughes - google him) and do lots of talking and smoking with various other people.

In this day and age when everything is meant to be going to hell in a handbasket, it is no wonder that people feel so disconnected from the whole crazy system when it is so easy to get lost in a whole plethora of alternative exciting realities via various means. I love computer games, and I know I'm not alone in that at all. I love them for the reasons stated above, I can easily do all of these things in a single week without breaking any bones or causing any real damage to anything. Horray for gaming and it's many amazing expressions of creativity, may it continue to slowly eat away at television time.

Peace and infinite love
[adj] - Andy D Jackson

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